Forgive and Forget...Is That Possible?

Let's review.  This is where we have been so far.  1 Corinthians 13 4 -5
⁴ Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
⁵ It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.  Sigh...

Max Lucado calls this chapter, The Heart Full Of Hurts.  Aptly named.  This chapter gave me pause.  For months, I would spend my days reading and rereading 1 Corinthians 13.  My heart was hurting, my mind was reeling and I was going numb.  Desperation was pulling me under like crashing waves and I was struggling to breathe.  How on earth was I to simply let go and keep no record of wrongs?  Then Max wrote about the Pelicano.

This huge freight ship is carrying cargo that no one wants.  The ship itself is sound.  It is the cargo that keeps it at sea, floating without a port of acceptance.  She is full of trash.  Fifteen thousand tons of it.  Though the trash was burned and it is ash on board, the owners have found that "trash-filled ships find few friends".  Can you smell the parable?  I was challenged to check my own heart for garbage.   "Load after load of anger.  Guilt.  Pessimism.  Bitterness.  Bigotry.  Anxiety.  Deceit.  Impatience."

Max points out that we hide behind excuses in order to build the trash in our hearts.  Like we don't have a choice.  "Don't talk to me.  I'm in a bad mood.  Don't mess with her; she has a bad disposition!  Is disposition something we "have"?  Like the flu?".

I was reminded that my heart, my mind, my body belongs to Christ.  He forgave me completely and wiped my slate clean.  If He had chosen not to do so, where would I be?  How can I look at another person and keep a record of all the wrongs, when Jesus cleared mine?   2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us, "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ."  Proverbs 4:23 says, "Be careful what you think, because you thoughts run your life."  Romans 12:14 is a tough one.  "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."  This one is nice.  Philippians 4:8.  "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is worthy of praise, think about these things."

"You want to make a list?  Then list His mercies.  List the times God has forgiven you.  Stand face to feet with the form of your crucified Savior and pray, "Jesus, if you can forgive me for hurting you, then I can forgive them for hurting me."  You didn't deserve to be hurt by them.  But neither did you deserve to be forgiven by Him."

I normally assert more of myself in writing, but this issue is one that I struggle with.  Max Lucado has written about it in such a way that I simply want to borrow from him.  I hope that you learn along with me.  His chapter ends as follows:

"You can stick with your long lists and stinky cargo.  And drift from port to port.
But why would you?  Let the Pelicano have the high seas.
Your Captain has better plans for you."

Amen.  And Lord, help me to learn this lesson and commit it to you.

I'm Just So Stinkin' Mad...ARGH!

"OH I could just KILL him!"  "I am going to KILL her when she gets home!"  I have said it.  Many times.  Did I mean it literally?  Nope.  Yet those words fell out of my mouth.  Anger manifested itself in an ugly phrase and hung in the air.  No one who knows me would think I might actually kill someone, but I have definitely said the words.  If you are a parent, a spouse, a child or sibling, an employee, you know what it is to be angry.  Max Lucado brings us to 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 in  chapter 8 of A Love Worth Giving.  "Love...is not easily angered."

Early into Genesis, we see the result of anger in the story of Cain and Able.  Wrath took Cain over and he literally took the life of his brother.  Unchecked anger can lead us to unimaginable places.  Anger, in and of itself, is an emotion created and given to us by God, so it has it's place in our lives.  Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry and do not sin."  It was possible for Cain to feel what he felt without doing what he did.  He allowed a legitimate emotion to lead to illegitimate action.  Sin.

Paul tells us love is not touchy, irritable, quick tempered, quick to take offense, easily angered - it does not fly off the handle.  The account of Cain is the first mention of anger in the Bible.  According to Max, "it will show up some 400 times between here and the maps in the back".  Rejection led to Cain's murderous rampage and it shows up again in the life of Jospeh.  His brothers felt rejected because little Joe was the apple of Daddy's eye.  Saul got "ticked off" when David was appointed king.  God got mad when David tried to move the ark of the covenant by cart.  He SMOTE Uzzah when he reached out and touched the thing!  (yikes!)  Jonah - we all know he felt about the Ninevites!  "The fire of anger has many logs, but according to biblical accounts, the thickest and the hottest block of wood is rejection."

Anger is a defense mechanism.  I have begun to learn that focusing on my disappointments, disillusionments and unmet expectations leads down a path of anger and then roots itself into the depths of my heart and grows up the nasty little seeds of bitterness.  According to God's word, there is no place for that in our lives.  Hebrews 12:15  "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;"  Ephesians 4: 31-32  "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." 

BUT...maybe you don't understand!  Maybe you should hear what he said to me, or see what he did or didn't do!  If you could just walk a mile in MY moccasins!  Pitiful really.  I try to stop myself when this line of thinking enters my mind and remind myself that there are people hurting, dying even, and I have no real problems.  Now, denial is not a good thing either.  We need to confront our anger and determine it's source.  Sometimes we need to (gulp) have a confrontation with someone, not in an ugly way, but an honest one.  Perhaps we should simply confess that we feel angry because.... (fill in the blank).  Let the other person know how we are feeling and why, but only after we really assess the situation and decide that it is important enough for follow through.  Remember that Paul tells us that love is not touchy and irritable.  Occasionally, I just need to get over myself!       

However, here is the driving force behind this idea of love not being easily angered for me.  Get ready.  It is tough!  Anger that gets out of control leads to unforgiveness.  That is a dangerous place to live.  According to Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."  OUCH! 

Max writes a thought that I really like.  "If we think God is harsh and unfair, guess how we'll treat people?  Thaaat's right.  Harshly and unfairly.  But if we discover that God has doused us with unconditional love, would that make a difference?"

I would like very much to be forgiven when I do something wrong, so the Bible tells me to be forgiving of others!  That sort of extinguishes anger on the sport.  At least, most of the time.  God loved me enough to send his only son to die in my place.  Jesus loved me enough to actually do that!  He looked right at me, saw all the nasty sins I would commit, the thoughts I would think, and yet, he died for me.  When I get really mad, I try to think about that.  What right have I to get worked up against someone else when God forgave me of much worse?  Max ends this chapter like this.

"Let's take our anger to the tree on the hill.  Leave your anger at the tree of Calvary.  When others reject you, let God accept you.  He is not frowning.  He is not mad.  He sings over you.  Take a long drink from his limitless love, and cool down."        

But...I Have Rights! Don't Trample On ME!

It starts early.  WAAAAHHHH!  I am HUNGRY.  NOW!  WAAAAHHHH!  I want to be HELD.  NOW!  Later, while still a precious toddler, we grab the toy out of other hands and scream, "MINE!".  And then, to prove that God has a sense of humor come the teenaged years!  Now meeeting the needs of an infant is very different than observing the selfishness that is innate in a toddler or a teenager, but my point is that we enter the world needy, determined to have our needs met.  If they aren't met when and how we like, we tend to act out until we have been passified.  I'd like to believe that my selfishness was put away and locked down as I left childhood behind, but there are times when I find myself thinking, "But, what about ME?"  How many times do we hear the phrase, "I have my rights!" or, "It is my right!" or, "This is America!  We have our rights!"?  Now, I believe in certain unalienable rights; Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness (Notice that does NOT read Promise, but rather, Pursuit!).  But it doesn't take a lot of deep thought to realize that we as human beings have a problem.  Selfishness.  Which brings me to Chapter 7 in Max Lucado's book, A Love Worth Giving.  This chapter has an interesting title: Getting the "I" Out of Your Eye, based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, "Love...is not self-seeking."  For those of us who are believers in Christ, we are admonished to put old things away.  2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  And then, we are taught to grow up!  1 Corinthians 13:11:  "When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things."  We've all read or heard this, but have we applied it?  Love is not inexpensive.  It costs us all.  Many great minds have written about this subject.  Many of those are quite sad in nature.  Take these for example. 

Ernest Hemingway said, "Life is a dirty trick, a short journey from nothingness to nothingness." He tragically committed suicide.
Henry Longfellow wrote, "Life is but an empty dream..."
Samuel Butler said, "Life is just a long process of getting tired."
Samuel Becket said, "Life is an indefinite waiting for an explanation that never comes."

Sad, don't you think?  This is what comes of focusing on ourselves.  If I sit around thinking only about what makes me happy, what makes me feel good, what determines my personal fulfillment, I am a selfish, superficial person.  Having endeavored that in the past, I came to realize that the harder I worked to fill the void and find happiness, the lonlier, unhappier and less fulfilled I became.  Strange how that happens.  I have learned that I am always at my best when I am giving myself away.  Focusing on the love that Christ gives me, the way that He loves me and trying to mirror that in my behavior toward others makes me feel really satisfied.  Do I do this perfectly?  Not by a long shot.  I get tired and then someone expects something of me or needs something from me and I want to say, "Can't you see that I am tired?  Don't you know what all I have done today?"  Not loving.  Not Christ-like.  Poor little put-upon me.  WAAAAHHHH!  Pay attention to me but leave me alone!  Can you relate?    The result is that I feel guilty, once given what I have demanded for myself.  I have acted unlovingly and sent someone who cares about me or relies on me away with hurt feelings.  Love requires more of me than I sometimes want to give.  This is why Max's idea of removing the "I" from my eye hits home!  The Bible has a lot to say about this, and I'll get to that in a minute.  First, I'd like to quote one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis.  He had something to say about the cost and effect of love that flies in the face of the authors listed above.  This is from his book, The Four Loves.

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.  I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.  What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this."

Selfishness is a love killer.  We claim our rights by trampling on those of others.  What is the greater good in that behavior?  James 3:16 (CEV) says: "Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things."  Paul writes: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." (Phillipians 2:3-4 NASB)

When the Bible states that love is not self-seeking, it means we cannot expect to get in return what we give to others.  This goes so against my nature that I cannot stand it at times.  But the way I feel has absolutely nothing to do with God's direction.  He tells me to grow up and put away childish things.  To be about my Father's business is a tough call.  But the rewards?  Heaven?  My loved ones, friends and people I come in contact with need to see the love of Christ.  His is the only love that is perfect and the only one that lasts.  Our world, so caught up in rights and personal happiness is falling in on itself.  Don't trample on me!, is the mantra of the day.  It leads to emptiness.  Give me peace, joy and the fulfillment of Christ!  Here is my "I" Lord!  Take it!  Give me more of you so that I can experience and provide a lasting love.  A Love Worth Giving.

Oh Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say, and so on...

In the age of reality tv, smart phones and drive-through windows, courtesy doesn't seem so common anymore.  We are constantly ON - hooked up, linked up, powered up - jacked up!  Surely I am not the only one concerned about the level of self-absorption being taught to this generation of kids.  But then, look around!  At a nice restaurant.  How many twosomes have at least one staring at a smart phone rather than into the eyes of the 'someone special' across the table?  The kids aren't the only ones being affected and that example is what they are mimicking.  How many car rides have kids in the back wearing headphones and staring at yet another screen watching exactly the same cartoons, movies or games they stare at when home?  I love the memories of playing the license plate game, or the billboard sign game or I Spy with my girls when we took road trips!  Looking out the window and seeing new things gave us something to discuss and we learned not just about the places passing by, but each other!  Shoot, we still do that when we have the luxury of time together on the road.  The most popular movies today are sarcastic, perverse and rude, rude, rude - and those 'funny' lines are the ones that everyone quotes.  Now, I am not without a sense of humor.  There are times and places for that sort of thing (well, except for the perverse things - no time for that!),  but VERY young kids are picking these things up and spouting them out and while the adults in the room get a kick out of it, to be very honest, it is no laughing matter.  In Max Lucado's A Love Worth Giving, Chapter Six brings us A Call To Common Courtesy, based on 1 Corinthians 13:5.  "Love is not rude."  Go to Walmart or the airport and find a corner.  Just watch and listen.  Wow - the level of rudeness is astounding.  Perhaps because we run at such a hectic pace, cell phones in hand, laptops fired up any moment we sit down, television sets or radios constantly running in the background, we are simply exhausted, overloaded.  Our wires get crossed.  We are trying to watch the news and are instead barraged by talking heads, yelling, interrupting and berating eath other.  Loathsome behavior.  Paul wrote that love is not rude.  The Greek word for rude means shameful or disgraceful behavior.  In this day and age, everyone is concerned with their rights but God calls us to a higher, more noble conern.  Insteand of asking, "What are my rights?" we should ask "What is loving?"  (Thank you Max!)  I realize that when I feel stressed, my mouth speaks in a rude way.  It isn't the words necessarily, but the delivery of them that are unloving.  The tone of my voice.  The lack of hesitation.  Occasionally, my nasty little condescending manner or rudeness creeps out.  I normally hear it and apologize right away, but sometimes, I have just had it and don't want to continue taking it!  But, God listens to my words.  He knows my thoughts and my heart.  He forgives me and is merciful ALL THE TIME.  (We used to do this sing-song phrase with the youth at church.  We'd call out "GOD IS GOOD?" and the kids would call back, "ALL THE TIME!"  We would then call, "ALL THE TIME?" and they would call back, "GOD IS GOOD!".  I loved that.  Still do.  Sometimes I want to yell it out in the middle of WM, but I know I would get carried off in the back of a padded wagon...  Jesus was courteous in dealing with others.  Even when He lost it at the temple, His was righteous anger and He did not sin.  There was no rudeness in Him.  There is a verse of scripture that I silently quote often, and if you know me very well and spend any length of time with me, you are likely to hear me voice it out loud.  "Do your best to live in peace with everyone." (Rom. 12:18)  Even when others mistreat us, wrong us, misbehave toward us and don't deserve our loving attitude, Jeses admonishes us to do just that.  Love in a way that the world cannot understand.  We are here to serve a purpose.  If we speak and act like the world, how will anyone see or hear what it is we are called to do?  I find that the songs I was taught at church, when very, very young, still speak to me.  The wisdom of a childish understanding is amazing.  So when I am tempted to be rude, I hum the tune to the children's song, Oh Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say.  That simple reminder puts me back on track.  And I finally figured out why!  Because GOD IS GOOD?  ALL THE TIME!  ALL THE TIME?  GOD IS GOOD!

You Is Kind - Thank You Ms. Stockett, But This Is Different!

The Help.  Saw the movie, read the book.  Enjoyed the story and passed the book along to my mother.  Savored the strong characters.  Ached with their broken hearts, shattered dreams and severe disappointments.  Cheered with their victories, triumphs and personal discoveries.  Life is not always easy or fair, for that matter.  But even when the chips are down, love remains.  Sometimes, I wonder why things seem to be such a struggle down here on earth.  I remember well the song that admonished, "I beg your pardon!  I never promised you a rose garden!"  The radio of my parents played that refrain and apparently, it stuck!  It is true - life is no bed of roses and even when it is, watch out!  Those pretty flowers are home to some very nasty thorns!  Which brings me back to Max Lucado's A Love Worth Giving, Chapter Three - Your Kindness Quotient.  Based on the verse, "Love is kind." 1 Corinthians 13:4.  In most areas, I consider myself to be a kind person.  At least on the outside.  But I have to admit, if you could hear my thoughts, I might have a very hard time looking you in the eye!  Unkindness creeps in, usually when my patience has been exhausted and I have had enough of other people (can I get an AMEN here?)!  Surely I am not the only one.  But even I am shocked at times by the level of unkindness that pervades my thought processes!  Because of a rather major problem in my marriage, my patience and kindness have been tested.  Sometimes I have won, many times I have lost.  Learning to hold my tongue (Proverbs 21:23, Ephesians 4:29) when unkind thoughts tempt me to say something unloving has been a difficult lesson.  Learning to make my thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) is a work in progress.  Trying to catch myself in the moment of an unkind thought, offer up a prayer of repentance (Hello Lord...it's me again and I am back about my unkind brain!)  is proving to be a taxing trial.  Paul, in writing to the church in Corinth, places kindness just behind patience in the pyramid of love.  Be patient...be kind...  On the surface, I don't have too much trouble with this one.  But when I am pressed, wounded, tired, anxious and confused, kindness takes a walk and anger, frustration and bitterness threaten to make themselves known.  I keep hearing the words of Jesus, who is, after all, our model in behavior and life choices.  "Love your enemies.  Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you...If you love only the people who love you, what praise should you get?...Love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without hope of getting anything back.  Then you will have a great reward, and you will be children of the Most High God, because He is kind even to people who are ungrateful and full of sin.  Show mercy, Just as your Father shows mercy."  Luke 6:27-28, 32, 35-36  Good ol' Max.  He keeps giving me examples and stories that champion mercy and kindness.  I get it, I get it!  But then, he hits on something I haven't dealt with very much.  Kindness to...me?  Yep.  Get with the program.  If God forgives me of my faults, shouldn't I deal with myself a little more kindly?  To quote Mr. Lucado, "In His book, you are a good thing.  Be kind to yourself.  God thinks you're worth His kindness.  And He's a good judge of character."  So, thank you Lord, thank you Mr. Lucado and Ms. Stockett.  I will keep tabs of my thoughts, continue to make them captive and turn them over to God and repeat to myself...you is kind...you is smart...you is important!

So What Is All The Fuss About Love Anyway?

Just type in the word LOVE and search the web.  As of today, there are over 7 billion results.  BILLION with a B!  Clearly, there are a lot of people focused on the subject - and it is crazy to see the myriad of things written.  Some sweet and sentimental, others, well, not so much.  There seems to be a lot of advice on what it is, how it works, what to do, how to behave...but after really looking, I found most of it empty and devoid of anything honest or practical.  I began looking, searching, hoping to find someone with answers after a very painful event in my marriage.  Good old-fashioned love advice.  How to deal, what to do, steps to take.  And I found a lot of information.  But with all those 7 billion (billion!!) sites, everything seemed empty.  So I prayed.  I cried.  I journaled.  I read my Bible.  And still, I had questions.  While making a quick run into the local Family Dollar store (needed toilet paper and Windex - life still happens, even when it is falling apart!) I found a book.  It was sitting there on the shelf, shouting out at me.  I actually looked around to see if anyone else noticed how LOUDLY it was sitting there.  A Love Worth Giving.  A paperback book by Max Lucado.  Ok, I am familiar with the author and know his work.  He is good.  A bargain price at only $3 bucks, so why not?  I bought 2 copies.  One for me, one for the husband.  Maybe Max could answer the questions I had after reading, reading and re-reading 1 Corinthians 13.  I didn't even open the cover, just picked it up (hoping that would quiet the very LOUD way that book had been sitting on that shelf) and put it on the counter along with the Charmin and Windex.  I was carrying a lot of shame because I actually wondered what the check-out person would think of me, buying 2 copies of this book?  Would they feel my desperation?  Judge me harshly for my mistakes?  See my pain?  More than anything, I did not want to be transparent.  Not that day.  I hurried home, grabbed my highlighter (I deface books by highlighting things that really speak to me.  Even my Bible.)  and jumped into the book.  Now, let me explain that I had been pouring over 1 Corinthians 13.  That good ol' chapter known as 'the love guide' in the Bible.  I had read other scripture as well, but this one left me with questions.  Lots of them.  And Max wrote this little book, A Love Worth Giving.  And I bought it.  And opened it.  And began reading...Chapter One - The 7:47 Principle.  Based on the verse from 1 John 4:19, "We love because He first loved us."; it seemed a good start.  Why do we love?  Because God loved us first.  Good.  Foundational.  Instructive.  Good.  Then came chapter 2.  Chapter Two - Love's Flagship.  Based on the verse, wait for it...1 Corinthians 13:4.  WHAT?  REALLY?  This is where my questions began!  Love is patient.  Okay.  For how long?  And good old Max started in.  Explaining to me, tenderly, gently but forthrightly, what it means to be patient in love.  He reminded me that the Bible says that a person who is forgiven a little shows only little love.  That we cannot give what we have never received.  That our typical strategy for treating a troubled relationship is to TRY HARDER.  And that is where we begin to fail.  We miss a very important step.  Reminder - our first step toward loving others must be to love God - to be a child of the king.  To receive the love of a forgiving God.  To understand and remember that He first loved us.  And when we find it hard to love, we must focus on loving Christ and following His example.  I am not doing the book any favors - you really should read chapter 2.  Max is clever and sincere.  He made me refocus and really think.  Why is patience listed first when you read what love is in 1 Corinthians 13?  Love is patient.  That comes first.  So, I read, and then read again, Chapter 2.  Highlighter in hand, I marked up that little book.  Lots of little nugggets tucked in there, now yellow and glaring at me from the pages before me.  Max is right.  When trying to love, really love, love when it is hard and frankly, not in us, we do need help from an outside source.  A transfusion, he wrote.  Here is what I am coming to understand.  Love, like patience, is not easy when we try to do it our own way.  The world's way.  Gee, the world tells us that life is too short!  If it is hard, walk away and find something new, something better!  After all, we deserve to be happy!  Life is just too short to deal with unhappiness and difficulty!  Even well meaning Christian people say this.  Well, been there, done that.  Guess what?  Happiness the world's way is temporary.  I am on a mission for something better.  Something permanent.  It is not easy.  Patience?  You have to be kidding me.  I don't yell at people who cut me off in traffic.  I am not easily angered (most of the time).  People make mistakes, I know because of all my own.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  But when the big stuff comes, when backed into the corner and the only option is to come out swinging or take the blows, my patience is tested.  Which option will I choose, when my option is to hurt or be hurt?  Patience says be still.  Be still and know.  Allow God to stand before me.  Rely on faith and put up with the pain.  After all, some pain has been brought on by my own mistakes.  Pesky, those consequences.  He has a plan and I am not to "lean unto my own understanding."  His ways are greater than my ways and all of my effort, all of my will power is ridiculous if it doesn't match up to God's plan.  So, here I am.  Digging into my Bible, into Max's book, open hearted and willing to learn.  Love is patient.  Whew - this is going to take a lot of prayer.  I am a victim of the age in which I live.  As much as I hate to admit it, drive-through mentality has taken a toll on me and I'd prefer to be patient now, thank you very much.  Waiting grates my nerves.  So.  Step 1.  Learn what all the fuss is about.  Learn to love, God's way.  Learn to be still and know.  Learn to be (gulp) patient.  Wait.  More later.  Be patient!